I miss me…

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I miss me. The old me. The contented me. The bright me. The smiling me. The laughing me. The gone me. The me who didn’t see one of her hardest trials coming. It’s not that my life was ever perfect or pain free because it has never really been either of those things. No one’s ever is. But it was a known world, a quiet world, a world that had been accepted, a world from which a measure of wisdom had been garnered. And as long as I’ve lived I should have learned that we live in a constant state of flux in this world and so change is inevitable. There are always new lessons to be learned, new trials and tribulations, new insights to be gained, new purposes to be served. For the Lord has need of us and our gifts. And He knows we need to have our hearts softened again and again so that we continually yearn to hear His voice, read His Word, as well as trust and lean on Him and Him only for all our needs. Though we cannot understand much of the Divine mysteries, Yahweh designed us to seek Him and what more compelling catalysts are there than sleepless nights, relentless pain, and endless discomforts to drive us back under the shelter of His wings and near the sound of his still, small voice. And the undeserved blessing is that when we think we can’t go another step further, He is the strength and impetus that comes to help us keep putting one foot in front of the other. God is after all a good, good Father, and He doesn’t want to lose any of us even those of us who were once lost. Jesus always wants to bring us back into His keeping where hope lives, love lives, healing lives, and His grace upon grace sustains and saves us. So though these things above are gone for now, I’m living by faith that they will return even though I have one more week of radiation, which has been one of the hardest things to endure mentally, emotionally, and physically, to come my way, and there is yet another worrisome, even potentially life threatening, bridge to cross next month.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10  ✝

**Photo and text by Natalie

***For those new to my blog, the radiation treatments have exacerbated my migraine headaches and restless leg symptoms that had previously been relatively under control with my medications. Since the radiation treatments have ramped them up, sleep has been very elusive and the pain from one or both has pushed into the range of nearly unbearable and I’ve maxed out on my meds.

64 thoughts on “I miss me…”

  3. If ever I am in such a place, I hope I will remember this strength, this love, of Jesus you shine your light upon, brighter than you know and feel. I’m envisioning angels holding you, comforting you, and lifting you up as needed. I’m praying you feel some relief soon and that you know how cherished you are.

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    • When I had my stroke six years ago they noticed some nodules in my lungs but they were ruled benign. When they did the x-ray before my breast surgery they noticed a new and somewhat bigger nodule in the upper right area

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    • When I had my stroke six years ago they discovered some nodules in my lungs. Those were ruled benign. But when they did an x-ray prior to my breast surgery they found a new and somewhat larger one. Since my tumor was HER2 positive there is a chance that it could’ve jumped ship as it were and gone elsewhere in my body. So they are watching this new nodule and will do a CAT scan in August and if it’s growing it could cancer that came from what was in my breast. Our prayers are that it is another benign one. But I won’t know for sure until at least August when the CAT scan is done and I see the oncologist again. Thanks for your concern and prayers❣️😘🌹xoxo

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  5. Overwhelming love to you Natalie,
    which is basically what God gives us all,
    as you well know.
    But He does it so much more powerfully and perfectly.
    I asked my son the eternal question,
    “Why does God let us suffer?’
    He answered, “Because we are all souls and spirit of him, and where we are going is where we belong.”
    My son’s name is Matthew
    You are channeling God, for us, Natalie.
    Thank you.
    And of course, you know,
    you never walk alone.
    And that doesn’t even take into account all the people who love you.
    Like me.

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    • He allowed His own son to suffer for our sins. It is just a part of life here on earth and it’s meant to bring growth and and dependence on God, the giver of all life. He uses it to gouge out our souls until He gets to the really good and useful “stuff” much like we carve out all the goo and seeds to get to the meat, really good stuff, in a pumpkin. I know I never walk alone Cindy but I tend to wander at times and my Shepherd has to come pull me back into the flock. I may not survive what has begun in my life now but He has something for me to do for Him as I walk this valley. And I’ll do my best to do that! Thanks for you caring and love! It means the world to me❣️😘🌹xoxoxo

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      • “but I tend to wander at times and my Shepherd has to come pull me back into the flock. I may not survive what has begun in my life now but He has something for me to do for Him as I walk this valley. And I’ll do my best to do that!
        It is not at all simple, or easy, is it?
        But it is profound and so important.
        You will guide us, with God’s help.
        You just are an amazing person. So intent in bringing hope and love to others. So completely in accordance with what Jesus said he hoped for from human beings.
        Psalm 23 has been my most comforting, since I was a child.

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  6. I woke up a few minutes ago and thought I would get on facebook for a few minutes before going back to bed. The link to this post was right there at the top.

    Oh, Natalie. 😦 ❤

    I am praying!

    It is almost 2 am. I do my best praying this time of the night.

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  7. Thanks for sharing your true self. You are rich in spirit and brave too Natalie. I’m thinking about how you love color and couldn’t get the True Colors song out of my head…

    I see your true colors
    And that’s why I love you
    So don’t be afraid to let them show
    Your true colors
    True colors are beautiful
    Like a rainbow

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  9. You are held with such love, Natalie. Sending you healing energy and the feel of nature. Derrick said it, this is inspirational and courageous. xXx ❤ Xx

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  13. The true ministry of Christ will always be found in our honesty. Only love can make a heart vulnerable – and strong at the same time. Great blessings and grace be your portion.

    Praying for you.

    Brian

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  15. Beautiful written, dear Natalie. I haven’t stopped praying for you. Heaven’s hearing from all the friends that love you, sweet one. ❤ Gentle hugs. Thank you for giving to all of us even as you suffer.
    Blessings of peace, provision, and restoration ~ Wendy Mac

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  18. Only Jesus knows and understands our inner hearts and travels alongside theough everything. Blessings Natalie. You may come to discover and become happy with that new person more than you think right now. You are in my prayers

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  22. Well, that sucks LMS. So sorry to hear about your breast cancer. Although I see that you’re still hanging in there with grit and stoicism. You just have to wonder how much a body can take. Knowing you I’m sure you’ll soldier on and take everything that life throws at you with decorum and courage.
    Sir L.❤

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  23. You are a Vessel that carries HIS Message. You are a strong warrior. You have poked my heart! So many times. Praying for you. 💕
    By the way do you follow Bill Sweeney ‘s blog? Like you, his posts are so inspirational. 💕

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  25. COUCOU NATALIES
    J’ai un jardin enchanté
    il n’est pas très grand
    c’est un petit coin mais ; il t’est destiné
    Tu peux t’y reposer, même cueillir quelques fleurs
    que j’ai fait pousser avec tout mon cœur
    Certaines sont très gaies, parfumées et très colorées
    D’autres sont petites, insignifiantes et peu odorantes,
    Dans mon jardin, tout est utile
    tu peux y trouver une source de réconfort.
    de l’amour , de l’amitié si désiré et surtout d’être écouté
    je te souhaite une belle journée ou bonne soirée
    Belle semaine et plein de bonnes choses pour toi
    je te fais de gros bisous.
    Bernard

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