1086. No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. ~C.S. Lewis

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There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not a mark of weakness,
but of power. They speak
more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are the messengers of
overwhelming grief, of deep contrition,
and of unspeakable love.
~Washington Irving

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Nikki was born to us after nine years of marriage, 5 days before my thirtieth birthday and ten days before her father’s 37 birthday. From the instant of her birth, she was, has always been, and is still the greatest joy of our lives. And though James and I know intellectually that she is only 12 hours away by car or an hour and a half by air, somehow it feels like she is far, far away, on the opposite side of the world now. And it’s not that we don’t wish her and her family well. We truly do wish them the very best always, and we know that the Lord has laid this opportunity upon their altar of their lives for a reason. But James and I are lost in sadness at the moment and don’t want anyone to try to minimalize what we’re feeling or tell us it’s foolish or that it will be all right. Also, what Mr. Lewis said is very true because some of what we’re experiencing does feel like fear. Long ago I read in a piece of literature (The Miracle Worker) that we don’t just keep our children safe; they keep us safe as well. So today has been hard, very hard, and for me there have been tears, lots of them as well as fears for both of us. And when I’m hurting like this, I withdraw and become introspective as I search to find my bearings, my balance, my true north again.

When someone you love is gone
in some way from your life,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make you unsure…
~Edited and adapted excerpt
by John O’Donohue

“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Excerpt from Joshua 1:9  ✝

40 thoughts on “1086. No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. ~C.S. Lewis”

  1. Well, my mom and my daughter are across the ocean, I certainly wish I could be more often than once in a year or even less frequent than that. I use Skype, so I see them, and it feels almost like talking in reality. Have you tried?

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  3. Dear Nat, I would never try to make what you are feeling smaller than it is. I know the feeling well as have been through it. It isn’t a true loss but I know you and James depended on them for a lot as they did you. I would say to look at it as a new beginning of exploration especially when you go to visit. They are in a new ‘world’ and you can explore it every time you visit that area of natural beauty. Love and hugs to you and James in this sad time.

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  4. Your feelings are valid and to diminish them by anyone makes them incredibly insensitive. I understand. I have lost a child.
    Thank you for sharing yourself with us and allowing us to see your vulnerability. That waa courageous. I will be lifting you up this evening. …..may God give you peace….

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    • Thank you so much for this comment and validation! I’m so sorry for your loss! Thanks also for lifting me up and praying for peace. I so appreciate your compassion and understanding! God bless you now and always!!! 😜❤️😘

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  5. My daughter and only grandchild moved away out of state last summer. It was so painful at first…I couldn’t quit crying for days. Now they come to visit as often as they can, and we Skype once or twice a week. It is much more bearable now, but I still want to touch them and hold my little grandson.

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  6. Bless you Natalie. Our eldest + one grandson is five hours by road, no. 3 is four hours away, and no. 2 + the other grandson is an hour and a half. Beth is currently in Scotland for two weeks but as you know travels all over the UK. Only John is still at home. We treasure the times that we have we each of the children, the two daughters-in-law and the two grandchildren. But it was a challenge having them all to stay for six days last Christmas!

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    • Thank you David! We give our children wings and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but loss and separation is never easy even though you know it will come some day! Love and hugs, Natalie 😊❤️

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  8. This is absolutely wonderful. A profound piece of writing. Your words moved me. Thank you for sharing such an inspired post. Loved it.
    Here’s hoping you’ll check out my blog too. 🙂
    Love and best wishes, V.

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  10. Tears are so wonderful…they release so many emotions that without them we might just explode. Tears of separation are probably one of the most important tears we shed…I too suffered greatly when by my own choice I moved to Lubbock…only 8 hours away from my Mom and Dad…..I lived for the time to go “home” and cried all the way the first 30 miles back to my new home…..I was married with kids when I could finally leave “home” without crying. One of the happiest days of my life was when 10 years later I moved within 90 minutes of “home” once again….and I cried tears of joy when I could go “home” whenever I wanted to….even for a day.Tears are God’s gift to us to show sadness, happiness, love, and all the varied emotions that shows our deepest feelings and and allow us to share our deepest feelings with other ….

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    • Yes they are and I don’t know how I’d manage life without them! Thank for sharing your story. It helped to know that I’m not just a big baby! I love you Cliney and so appreciate your thoughtfulness and friendship! 😊💝😘

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  13. My heart goes out to you Natalie. And I know that at times like these, there are no words. Just know that I’ll say a prayer for you and James, for I’m sure what you are going through right now is truly difficult for you two. My mom’s been there too. And I dread the day that I just may be there as well.
    Love and hugs.
    🙂 ❤

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