753. And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart. ~John Green

Drop the last year of your life
into the silent limbo of the past.
Let it go, for it was imperfect,
and thank God that it can go.
~Brooks Atkinson

DSC_0389_4

Have you ever had one of those stagnant years where the lackluster of life seems to have dulled and you are stuck in a kind of limbo? Well that’s the way life seemed during my Sophomore year in college. Not only had my father’s death at the end of the previous year dashed me against the hard rocks of an excruciating reality for the first time in my life, but my faith had been shaken, deeply shaken by events in and around his funeral. Not only had I to contend with his death and hypocrisy in the church but also the reality that some anger “business” between Dad and I was now never to be resolved and forgiven. That combined with some deplorable actions by the clergy and leaders in the church lead to what would become a decades-long derailment in my walk with the Lord. So indeed something had snapped inside me. I was barely 19 years old and I had commenced to fall apart which became clearly reflected in my first semester grades that year.  By midterm I found myself on scholastic probation both for the University as well as for my sorority.  Even my dreams of living in Paris had paled under the duress of my heartache and befuddlement. And for months and months nothing changed; lines had been blurred, dreams had faded, and hope had grown dim. I was stuck, stuck in limbo, stuck in unfamiliar waters of being, and all the while suffering, hurting alone since I’d been told by elders I should put my grieving aside and be strong for my mom and two younger sisters. But life has a way of moving on whether one feels its progression or not, and by the end of the second semester, my grades had come back up and a tiny ray of light began to break through the gloomy cloud cover that had been shrouding my world.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. ~Proverbs 15:13  ✝

**Photo of La Tour Eiffel taken by Natalie Scarberry

 

9 thoughts on “753. And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart. ~John Green

  1. I love how you are shedding light on your past and how it affected you and your transition into the person you are today. Also the countdown for the trip of your dreams. Nat, you are a very good person of God and don’t let anyone or anything tell you differently. Life is too short to let negative forces ruin it.

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    • Thank you, Virginia. I just thought it might be a fun way to lead into our upcoming trip. And as it turns out there is a kind of healing in the telling of the story. The last lines of your comment are very sweet and brought tears to my eyes. I feel the same way about you. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤

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  2. I must say that I too was at a cross roads that same year, the pivotal sophomore year—I did not have the heartbreaking flooding of the soul as you, but that was a pivotal time nonetheless—grade wise as well—lots of similarities—but it wouldn’t be until later that my time / relationship with God would falter, after mother’s short illness and death—and falter it did—for years longer than I realized at the time—I hit that rock bottom moment a moment that was almost irreparable —It was unbeknownst to most people but to all of maybe 2 or 3. . .that I was unraveling—- it took a lone assent of self to get back up. . .
    Please tell me you’ve got your bag out and you’re packing, just so you can un pack that stuff in order to re-pack the new stuff 🙂
    Oh I can’t wait!!!
    cookie

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    • Oh sweetie pie, I bought a new suitcase and it’s been about 80% packed for weeks. There has been a little unpacking and repacking but not much. I get more and more excited by the day and can hardly wait myself. Last time it was a whirlwind 4 days with all the family, but this time James and I will have Paris all to ourselves for 7 days. And this time around there will be no hurrying here or there. I want to wander streets and go in shops and sit in street cafes and eat chocolate things as I watch people go by. Also our hotel is a short walk from the Seine and I want to go sit at sunrise and sunset there and look back over my shoulder to see La Tour Eiffel. Oh how I wish you were going with us. We’d have so much fun and you probably remember more of your French than I. Now back to you opening statements. It is just amazing the similar coincidences in our lives. Mine too was a lone assent of self to get back up, but my guess is we were both being lifted up on an angel’s wings. We may have faltered in our relationship with the Lord, but He never falters in His efforts to bring us back into His keeping. Did I send you our itinerary? That way you can keep up with where we are and what we are doing. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤

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      • Oh no, you have not and you must—I want to serendipitously travel along with you. Go to the Cluny museum—love it—the Medieval museum you know 🙂
        You must eat lots of chocolate things for me!!
        I think I told you my aunt and I stayed at La Perle, on a side street in the shadow of St Sulpice—I love wandering into the old gothic wonders—there was a lovely outdoor antique market going on when we where there just behind the church—my aunt, who collects antique turkeys of all things, found a beautiful small bronze, very old, turkey figurine—we ran to 3 different ATMs trying to pull out enough cash in order for her to buy the thing—-she swore me never to tell how much she paid for something so small—may just say a small fortune 😉

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    • Thank you, Theresa. I’m finding something very cathartic in the telling of it. In my 30’s my mentor told me that writing about something like this helped to get it outside of one where it could be dealt with. The hurt remains, but the living with it becomes easier as he/she realizes that living through things like this makes one stronger and forges character. At any rate it’s all leading up to my telling about our upcoming vacation to Paris. It may be boring my readers, but I’m going on with the story each day as a chronicle that my grandchildren might find interesting one day in trying to decide who and what their grandmother was and why.
      I appreciate your kind comment and if my story helps someone that’s just icing on the cake as it were. We all have stories, and the Lord often uses those stories for His good. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤

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